


BB meets BB

by CondorRadcliff



Category: BIGTOP BURGER (Web Series), Bob's Burgers (Cartoon)
Genre: Brunch Rush, Clowns, Family, Lunch, Old Friends, Surreal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:40:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27096685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CondorRadcliff/pseuds/CondorRadcliff
Summary: Bob Belcher is having a normal day, when he's visited by an old friend: Steve the Clown. Hilarity and surrealism ensues.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	BB meets BB

A customer opened the door and walked in. "HELLO BOB," he said in a voice that was simultaneously a whisper and audible all along Ocean Avenue.

Bob looked up from the grill. It was a voice he hadn't heard in years, that by all rights ought to haunt his dreams in ways both good and bad. But, ever the proprietor and sole spokesman for his small business, his mouth acted before his brain could catch up. "Hey, Steve."

"FANCY SEEING YOU HERE, IN THIS PLACE AND TIME."

And then, Bob's brain caught up. "...wh-Steve?!" 

It had been a quiet day, following the brunch-hour wedding, and so there was nothing on the grill to catch fire or be ruined, leaving him free to walk quickly towards the door to the basement. "Linda! Lin - get up here!" he shouted downstairs.

"AH LINDA. IT'S BEEN NEAR TOO LONG."

"She's not up here yet, St-whoa!"

Steve had, without really moving at all, gone from standing just inside the door to sitting at the innermost counter seat. "BUT SHE IS, SHE IS."

"Ah. You still do that, huh." Once you saw it a couple of times, that unusual trick of his was old hat. From moment to moment, and not necessarily while no one was looking at him, he would simply change some aspect of himself.

"I EXIST, AND I HUNGER. BOB! I WOULD LIKE..." It was hard to tell if he was squinting or simply staring off into space towards the specials chalkboard, simply because both or neither could be true with him. "...THE 'THE CHARD-ER THEY PLUM' FOODMEAL."

"Yeah, coming right up!" Bob hustled back to the grill and started working on the burger. (It was an unusual one for him, since he didn't normally use vinaigrettes, and the reception thus far had been a little mixed.)

Just then, Linda came upstairs. "Bobby, we're just gonna hafta call in a plumber. That sump pump's pumped its last lump of dumped rump--"

"--Forget about that, Lin! Look who's here." Bob pointed to the counter seat with a spatula.

She looked, but there was no one there. "Uh-oh, you've been standing over the grill too long again," Linda said.

Bob looked up from the grill, and saw Steve wasn't there. "Eh? Oh, well, give it a second."

The door opened a second time and Steve walked in, despite never having left or even being outside at all. "HELLO BOB. AH, LINDA! IT'S BEEN NEAR TOO LONG!"

"Steve?!" Linda rushed over and hugged him as he sat down. "Aww, Steve, it's been years! Where've you been?"

"HUNTING FOR THE HUNGRIEST BURGER CUSTOMERS, UP AND DOWN THE COAST." He traced out that coast in the air with his finger, and it appeared to be Australia. "BUT NOW I AM THAT CUSTOMER, AND SO I AM HERE. THE CYCLE IS COMPLETE."

"And how! So you already gotcher burger - you want anything to drink too?"

"OH, NONE FOR ME. THE SEA AIR WILL DO ME SOME GOOD."

"Well what brings you back to Ocean Avenue?" Bob asked over the sizzle.

"THE EXCITEMENT OF BROADWAY, DEAR BOB! AND THE ROLE OF A LIFETIME!"

"Oooooo! Which one? Which one? Aw, lemme guess!" Now that the possibility of theatre had come up, Linda was animated. "Is it... Hamilton?"

"BETTER, MY DEAR GIRL."

Bob looked down at the patty, and suddenly had an idea involving eggs. "Ham... let?"

"STILL HIGHER! BELCHERS, AUDITIONS HAVE OPENED FOR THE GREATEST MUSICAL KNOWN, FOR WHICH I WILL AIM TO BE BOB! THE FINEST BOB! THE BOB OF TWINNNNNNN PEA--"

The door jangled open. "Wow, are we doing a circus now?" Gene asked.

Without actually turning, Steve turned to look at the kids. "HELLOOOOOOO LITTLE LINDAS AND BOB."

"Whoa, Dad! You're friends with a demon? Sick!"

"Demon? I thought he was a funny money-wise circus mime. Hm."

"Hello Mister Demon, I'm Tina and this is Louise and Gene." She curtsied without hesitation, having been on a classics kick recently. "Siblings, don't be rude to Mister Demon."

"Kids, stop it." Bob flipped the patty for its second char. "This is Steve; he's an old friend of ours."

"Steve's a clown, not a demon," Linda added.

On cue, and in lieu of further comment, Steve's clown nose honked comically.

"Your mom and I met him when we were first starting out in the business. He talked us out of a themed shop."

The kids stared at the stranger for a moment. He was oddly shaped, with clown-white skin and clown-red hair, dressed for panhandling success - and yet utterly endearing.

"Hello, Mister Steve, I'm Tina--"

"--We're past that now, T." Louise said.

"Yeah! Now he's Uncle Steve." Gene said. "Or maybe 'Uncky'?"

"Nah, that's as old fashioned as mohawks and boomboxes," Louise said.

"Well, I like boomboxes," Tina said, clearly imagining a mohawk-toting persona for herself.

(Steve, amused, produced a vintage boombox larger than his torso. The kids didn't notice, so he quickly returned it to its own place and time. Elsewhen, a breakdancer was briefly confused by the interruption in tempo, but nonetheless won their dance-off.)

"Kids." Bob didn't look up; he was placing the chard and arranging the burger itself for maximum visual effect.

"WHAT A LOVELY FUTURE WE HAVE AHEAD OF US, BOB, LINDA. LITTLE BELCHERS."

"Awww, thanks!" Linda said, touched.

"And... there." Bob put the burger down in front of Steve, who picked it up like a fine cigar and took a long, satisfied drag.

The restaurant briefly turned into outer space. Galaxies emerged and ceased, stars sprinkled like unwelcome glitter in an expensive greeting card, the twin miracles of time and space played out in ways no mortal would otherwise see. Mysteries of science and art and faith and life answered themselves through as many senses as the Belchers possessed. The end of the universe and the beginning of the next one were as a slideshow (complete with rotation sounds). The world-tree branched out into infinity, putting the best Mandelbrot visualizations to shame. A drop of ice from one end of space flew to the other end and became part of a cloud in a planet that looked vaguely like Earth. A million alternate versions of Louise bantered with a million alternate Genes, while a million alternate alternate Tinas tried to exert some semblance of politeness - six facets of a cube of three kids, each and every intersection between those axises creating some conversation that both amused and relieved Steve. A fox barked mercuriously.

And just as quickly as it had come, the vision disappeared. The world turned, the sun and moon and stars continued their journey. Existence pretended that nothing unusual had happened. Satori, once more, became unknown. Bob's Burgers became itself again.

The Belchers shed a single tear of happiness, having seen a distilled purity of knowledge - a gift of the highest order - they instinctively knew they were lucky to see even once... Except for Bob, for whom this was neither his first Steve encounter nor the first time he'd seen him try a Burger of the Day. He already knew the answer, but asked anyway: "So, what do you think?"

"NINE OUT OF TEN. MORTAL PERFECTION. AND CAN I RECOMMEND MEATBALLS?"

"Oh, yeah, 'The Chard-er They Ball' (comes with chard and meatballs)? I can make that work."

"YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY, BOB MY BOY. A SHINY GUINEA FOR YOU." Steve flipped a golden coin at Bob, who caught it effortlessly. "THANK YOU FOR THE WONDERFUL SUSTENANCE. BUT THE THEATRE CALLS!"

Bob nodded. "Yeah! Come by anytime you're in town again."

"FAREWELLLLLLLLLLLLLL..." Steve slowly faded out, each layer of his visual presence fading out in order until only sketch lines on storyboards remained.

And then, once again, Steve was gone.

Bob sighed happily. An old friend dropped by, liked his food, and even tipped greatly in excess of effort out of appreciation. "So, Lin, kids - what'd you think?"

The other Belchers could only make quiet moaning sounds as they stood in place.

It was a temporary effect, Bob knew - but still one only the most experienced of grillmeisters could walk off immediately. It just meant he was running the front by himself for a few minutes.

\-----  
ELSEWHERE  
\-----

The Bigtop Burgers truck was parked curbside next to Bondi Beach. It was Brunch Rush, and the morning surfers were back on shore for more body-fuel to keep surfing with. A line was forming, too long for just three employees to keep up with.

"Steve, buddy. Where'd you go?" Tim asked into the air. "Thought you were just going on break."

"He's back here!" Penny called from the truck.

Billie tapped him on the shoulder. "Tim. We need you on the grill."

"BURGERS! BURGERS FOR THE HUNGRY AND MEEK!" By the sound of it, Steve was running the register.

Tim shrugged and jogged back into the truck. "Hey man, where were you?" he asked.

"SEEING AN OLD FRIEND." Steve produced four delicious-looking burgers from thin air. "AND GETTING US LUNCH."


End file.
